If you thirst to know who said, “I think,therefore I am,”
your thirst I will quench;
It was Rene Descartes, only what he actually said was,
“Je pense, donc je suis,” because he was French.
He also said in Latin, “Cogito, Ergo sum,”
Just to show that he was a man of culture and not a tennis tramp
or a crackle barrel philosophy bum.

Descartes was one of those who think, therefore they are,
Because those who donot think, but are anyhow, outnumber them by far.
If of chaos we are on the brink
It is because so many people think that they think.
In truth, of anything other than thinking they are fonder.

Because thought requires the time and effort to reflect, cogitate,
contemplate, meditate, ruminate and ponder.
Their minds are exposed to events and ideas but they have
never pondered or reflected on them
Any more than motion picture screens meditate on the images that
are projected on them.

Hence our universal confusion.
The result of the unreasoned, or jumped at, conclusion.
People who think that they think, they secretly think that
thinking is grim.
And they excuse themselves with signs reading THIMK, or, as
Descartes would have said, PEMSEZ, and THINK or THWIM.

Instead of thoughts, they act on hunches and inklings,
Which are not thoughts at all, only thinklings.
Can it be because we leave to the Russians such dull pursuits as
thinking that the red star continues to twinkle so?
I thinkle so.

How wise I am to have instructed the butler
       to instruct the first footman to instruct the second
       footman to instruct the doorman to order my carriage;
I am about to volunteer a definition of marriage.
Just as I know that there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen,
I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered
       into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a
       woman who can’t sleep with the window open.
Moreover, just as I am unsure of the difference between
       flora and fauna and flotsam and jetsam,
I am quite sure that marriage is the alliance of two people
       one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other
       never forgetsam,
And he refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or
       the gas pipe and she is convinced she is about to asphyxiate
       or drown,
And she says Quick get up and get my hairbrushes off the
       windowsill, it’s raining in, and he replies Oh they’re all right,
       it’s only raining straight down.
That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce,
Because it’s the only known example of the happy meeting of
       the immovable object and the irresistible force.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and
       combat over everything debatable and combatable,
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
       particularly if he has income and she is pattable.

Consider the auk
Becoming extinct because he forgot to fly, and could only walk
Consider man, who may well become extinct
Because he forgot to walk and learned to fly before he thinked

Oh, weep for Mr. and Mrs. Bryan
He was eaten by a lion
Following which, the lion’s lioness
Up and swallowed Bran’s Bryaness

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harbouring grudges
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter

I myself am fortunate that I have many interesting thoughts
Which I express in terms that make them come alive
And I certainly would entertain my friends if they always
Didn’t have to leave just when I arrive

It is better in the long run to possess an abscess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor.
People who have senses of humor have a very good time,
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime.
Because how can anybody accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to
chortle?
Everybody admits that Michelangelo’s little things in the Sistine Chapel
are so immortal they have everybody reeling.
But I’ll bet he could never have dashed them off if he had realized how
undignified he looked lying up there with his stomach on the ceiling.
Yes, fatal handicaps in life are fortunately few,
But the most fatal of all is the faculty of seeing the other person’s point
of view.
And if your devoted mother suggest that you will someday be rich and
famous, why perish the suggestion.
That is, perish it if you are afflicted with the suspicion that there are two
sides to every question.
Good gracious, how could anyone corner wheat
If they were sissy enough to reflect that they were causing a lot of other
people to be unable to afford to eat?
Look at mayors and congressmen and presidents, always excepting col-
lege presidents, such as Harvard’s Conant;
Do you think they could get elected if they admitted even to themselves
that there was anything to be said for their opponent?
No, no, genius won’t get you as far as common everyday facility
Unless it is accompanied by a conviction of infallibility,
And people who have a sense of humor are extremely gullible,
But not enough so, alas, to believe that they are infullible.

Once upon a time there was an Italian,
And some people thought he was a rapscallion,
But he wasn’t offended,
Because other people thought he was splendid,
And he said the world was round,
And everybody made an uncomplimentary sound,
But he went and tried to borrow some money from Ferdinand
But Ferdinand said America was a bird in the bush and he’d rather have a berdinand,
But Columbus’ brain was fertile, it wasn’t arid,
And he remembered that Ferdinand was married,
And he thought, there is no wife like a misunderstood one,
Because if her husband thinks something is a terrible idea she is bound to think it a good one,
So he perfumed his handkerchief with bay rum and citronella,
And he went to see Isabella,
And he looked wonderful but he had never felt sillier,
And she said, I can’t place the face but the aroma is familiar,
And Columbus didn’t say a word,
All he said was, I am Columbus, the fifteenth-century Admiral Byrd,
And, just as he thought, her disposition was very malleable,
And she said, Here are my jewels, and she wasn’t penurious like Cornelia the mother of the Gracchi, she wasn’t referring to her children, no, she was referring to her jewels, which were very very valuable,
So Columbus said, Somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it,
And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it,
And the fetters gave him welts,
And they named America after somebody else,
So the sad fate of Columbus ought to be pointed out to every child and every voter,
Because it has a very important moral, which is, Don’t be a discoverer, be a promoter.

There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She replied, When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez.

Some primal termite knocked on wood
And tasted it, and found it good,
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.